“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
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Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
put ‘er there pardner!
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine