a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
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When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.