Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
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Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.