Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
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I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.