6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
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my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!