I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
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*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.