Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
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{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.