Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
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being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
It’s a gift
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
☺️
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once