Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
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You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
WHY would you be happy about this?
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house