Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
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I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
mmm onion ringos
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.