Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
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Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
🍛
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.