If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
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me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Brilliant!
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.