I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
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When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.