my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
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You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called