Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
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“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.