Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
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mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Oceanography is all about current events
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now