Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
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CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Stonehinge
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming