[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
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Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
relationship goals
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.