[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
You Might Also Like
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right