Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
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me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
I did not eat the cake…
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.