When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
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Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Hello Twits.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about