A little too much information.
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ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.