Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
You Might Also Like
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
mumsnet is amazing
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Challenge accepted.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.