bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
You Might Also Like
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse