Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
You Might Also Like
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it