No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
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If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.