His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
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M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.