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*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant