Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
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my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.