Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
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Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
They’re called werewolves.