[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
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Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
This hospital has everything
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.