My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
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What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
thank god
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.