I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
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look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Breaking news:
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
why I oughta
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.