Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
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when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
My dryer is celebrating lint.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …