Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
You Might Also Like
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.