I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
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Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
The “baby” on the left….
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.