My dress code is business-casualty.
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You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes