The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
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Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
I have so many questions.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Everything reminds me of my ex
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!