Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
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[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
A choir of Spring onions
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Terribly Tuesday.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
My dog ate my work from home.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business