I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
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Twitter fine art
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Well, that didn’t work.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*