why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
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Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink