[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
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Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.