Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
You Might Also Like
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”