Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
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Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.