There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
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Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.