While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
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me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”