frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
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LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”