Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
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me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here