Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
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I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
My dad.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin