“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
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A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did